Alec was my first love. We met in junior high, and became inseparable the moment our eyes met
over our lunch trays, mine simple brown, his an incredible deep blue. He was handsome, smart
and possessed an outrageous sense of humor. Everyone loved being with him. He just had this
energy that made you feel good.
I was amazed that Alec had chosen me out of all the girls at school. I wasn’t exactly a threat to
any of the future prom queens, if you know what I mean. The youngest of eight girls, I was
Second Hand Rose times seven, and always appeared to be melting in over sized, faded
clothes. I was the runt of the litter and compared to my sisters, pretty unremarkable in looks, but
not to Alec. He thought I was perfect and he made me believe it, too. I loved Alec more than my
We were already forecasting our plans for marriage by senior year. First, we would finish college;
Alec at state and me at community and then we would, of course, live happily ever after.
Well, we made it to college and then everything changed. The change didn’t take months, weeks
or even days. It occurred in a millisecond. A ringing phone brought me to my knees and ended
my life, just as it had announced the end of Alec’s.
I was broken – pain in motion. I wanted to die, but they wouldn’t let me. They buried him with the
sun shining. How could the sun shine? I wanted it to rain and just keep on raining, until the
world flooded and we all breathed in the seas. I was without love, without hope and without a
desire for life. I dropped out of college and sat around hating the world and everyone in it,
Family and friends tried their best to get me back on my feet, but their many attempts failed in the
face of the screeching madwoman who pleaded to be left alone in her misery. After the first year,
the friends fell away and after the second, the family began treating me like a frail invalid. Oh, I
forgot, I was under the doctor’s care for depression. I took the pills they gave me and thought
about hoarding them for a future exit. My comfort was in my dark cave of a room, which had
become a shrine to Alec. His smiling face was everywhere. And I was frightened because I was
beginning to hate him, too.
Just as my life had ended in a millisecond, it had been unexpectedly resurrected in one as well. I
was sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office when a young mother came in with her little
boy. The boy, about four years old, sat on the chair opposite mine. His dark head slightly tilted to
the side, he just stared at me - with these incredible deep blue eyes. I was getting a bit
uncomfortable having those all too familiar eyes on me and was about to get up, when the now
smiling child appeared next to my chair and touched my trembling hand. Heat. A comforting
soothing heat flowed over me. A shock through my cold, half dead body and I awoke. At least I
felt as if I had been awakened. My lungs seem to at long last fill with air and my vision appeared
clearer. A dense fog had been lifted from my mind. Startled by my quick intake of breath the boy
ran to his mother and sobbed, tears spilled from his sweet brown eyes.
Something occurred that day that I can’t explain. Did the spirit of Alec come through the boy to
save me? I don’t know. I do know that I was touched by a powerful love. All the hate that I was
carrying dissolved. I began to rebuild my life and I wholeheartedly embraced the positive. I had
learned so much from my self induced exile from the world and I wanted to share the need to live
a full life. I finished school and I now counsel others who have suffered the sudden loss of a
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